How To Determine Whether You Want To Opt In & How To Protect Yourself If You Do
Written By: Haley Moore
Are you single heading into cuffing season and not too sure what to do? For those of you who may not have heard of it before, cuffing season is the period of time between fall and spring when single people can experience a stronger desire to get into a relationship. Of course we can understand that many people who are single do not want to be that way, however many people absolutely choose to be romantically unattached for many reasons. So whether you’re single by choice or not, is cuffing season really a thing? Or do people just glorify the idea of having someone to bring to the holiday work party?
What Contributes to Cuffing Season?
Biology
Like we talked about in our October 2024 blog post about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or Seasonal Depression (if you didn’t read this already, go check it out too!), we know that when our brains and bodies get less daylight and less time outside, our mood naturally dips. For some people, this can trigger them to go into a state of depression on the extreme end, or to occasionally feeling the impacts of a lower mood on the other end. If we have a depressed mood to any degree (due to lower serotonin), the likelihood to feel more lonely is also increased.
Social Pressure
Like we mentioned before, holiday parties, end-of-year celebrations, and friend/family gatherings are rampant during this time of year. No one wants to hear their mother ask them for the hundredth time when she can expect to have grandchildren! The pressure to be in a romantic relationship is always present in our society, where we highly value the nuclear family unit in essentially all realms of life. We see singlehood as a failure, especially for women (even though this is of course far from the truth!). This pressure generally becomes more apparent when you’re constantly having to manage other’s expectations, questions, and your own feelings of disappointment and hurt.
Emotional Crutch
Based on the above two points, we are already primed to feel more lonely and more judged by the end of the year, and then we throw in New Year’s Resolutions to top it off. Although at Therapy Uninterrupted we don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions (rant to follow in a future post - stay tuned!), we acknowledge that the end of the year is bound to bring reflection of some kind for most people. With that reflection comes sensitivity to the parts of our lives that we feel we are missing out on or not as satisfied in, including our romantic life.
How Do I Decide If I Want to Date During Cuffing Season?
Get Clear About Your Intentions
We always encourage honesty in dating from date one (which we understand is an unpopular opinion). Hear us out - if you want a relationship and your new date wants a fling, or vice versa, neither of you are doing anyone a favour by not talking about this from the very beginning. Honesty with your dates can look like talking about relationship expectations, discussing each other’s needs in a relationship, and talking about the compatibility of the relationship no matter what the agreed-upon duration/purpose may be. From casual to serious, open to exclusive, it’s always easier in the end to be above board with yourself and anyone else when it comes to dating.
Understand the Motivation
If you are solely out there dating to not feel as lonely, go for it. AND we really encourage you to be honest with yourself before you start to date, no matter the season. Honesty with yourself can look like taking some time to sit with your loneliness, finding ways to feel more comfortable spending time with yourself, and finding activities that feel comforting to do alone. If you spend more quality time with yourself and you still want to be out there dating, that’s a sign. It’s helpful to have some self-awareness about what you want the role of dating to play for you as well. Know your boundaries about what you are and are not okay with in dating someone new before finding yourself in a situation where you have to decide in the moment. If you are able to understand how you want this future person to fit into your life (as a date to a holiday party, a long-term partner, or someone to bring home to your family), you’ll likely have a bit more clarity about what you’re looking for if you get out there.
Understand the Risks
Although dating generally comes with many risks inherently - we know love is not always mutual and everyone implicitly consents to knowing they could get their heart broken - there is a whole extra layer of dating during cuffing season to keep in mind. Even if you are very clear about what you’re looking for and believe you’ve had ‘The Talk’ with your new partner, there is always a chance that the Cuffing Season Timeline applies. The timeline essentially lays out that the fall months are when people start to date, usually finding a new partner by the end of the year and into the new year. By February, many of these new relationships start to fizzle out and someone ends the relationship. Of course not every relationship that begins in fall ends before spring, many become long-term partners! We also need to keep in mind that some people in cuffing season relationships, even with good intentions, may only want to avoid the winter blues as much as possible and will move on when the purpose of avoiding loneliness is no longer as relevant.
If I Do Participate in Cuffing Season, How Can I Protect Myself?
As we’ve explained, there’s no fool-proof way of protecting yourself in dating of any kind, especially in cuffing season or in other situationship/casual types of relationships. Here are a few things you can consider as you move into this season.
What Is In Your Control:
Set healthy boundaries: Knowing what you are and are not willing to do with yourself and someone else is pivotal. Remember the seven types of boundaries that you can consider: Physical (e.g. Your personal space), sexual (e.g. Sexual frequency), emotional (e.g. Need for honesty), spiritual (e.g. Your own beliefs), Financial (e.g. Splitting the bills), time (e.g. Frequency of dates), and non-negotiable boundaries (e.g. Your ‘deal breakers’).
Communicate: Check in regularly to avoid being ambushed as much as possible. Ask that you are letting each other know where you’re at, and if that changes.
Recognize your needs: Understanding what your expectations are of a partner and of the person you’re connected with is really important. If your needs aren’t getting met, no one is going to win. Being aware of your expectations allows you to notice more readily when they aren’t being met and choose to walk away.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket: Keep your life full in other ways outside of the cuffing season relationship. Spend time with friends and family, volunteer, engage with your hobbies, stay active - all very important pieces of who you are outside of this relationship that need to be prioritized.
Signs That The Relationship Might Not Last:
There is no talk of the future: If there is a lack of future planning, that’s likely because someone does not see a future here.
There is a lack of emotional intimacy: If the agreement was to be strictly physical, no worries. If you have agreed to some level of a relationship, however, and there is a lack of emotional intimacy, this is a warning sign.
There is inconsistent communication: If you’re getting love bombed on day one and have radio silence day two, this is not okay. Regardless of the commitment level, there is a need for communication and consistency.
There is a lack of respect: Whether there is a tendency to cancel plans at the last minute, disregard your boundaries, and/or verbal indicators that you are not respected, this is never okay in any relationship. Period.
So Is Cuffing Season Real?
It seems that way! Obviously there’s no way to really prove it definitively either way, but it does seem to hold some level of truth to it. Regardless of whether or not you’re going to dive into cuffing season or not, we hope you walked away with more clarity on what you need to enter the dating world no matter the season. Good luck out there!
References
Healthline. (2018, August 15). Everything You Need to Know About Serotonin. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/selective-serotonin-reuptake-inhibitors-ssris#when-to-consider-taking-ssr-is
Martin, S. (2021). 7 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set. https://betterboundariesworkbook.com/types-of-boundaries/
Travers, M. (4 October, 2023). A Psychologist’s Guide To Finding Love During ‘Cuffing Season’. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/10/04/a-psychologists-guide-to-finding-love-during-cuffing-season/
Zencare Team (4 October, 2024). The Science Behind Cuffing Season: Is It Real?